Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
ok first of all what the fuck
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
