two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
