overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize