Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He felt like a one man threesome
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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