oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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