peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
