My first STD was from a foam party
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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