Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
