I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
