i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
