So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
