I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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