I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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