im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
