i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
