i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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