It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
