if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
