Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
