What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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