White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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