Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
