Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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