how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
