The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
