Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
