you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
