I puked a lego.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
