Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
