Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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