my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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