I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
