Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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