You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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