I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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