My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
