A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
