New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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