she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
