Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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