i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
