Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
