Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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