I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
