do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
