Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize