The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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