My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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