i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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