If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
