Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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