when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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