why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
