Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
