grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
