i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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