I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
