i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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